2013 VMAs… I’m Officially Too Old for This Shit.

26 08 2013

I was only half involved last year, having realized in adulthood that it is dumb for MTV to continue hosting the VIDEO Music Awards when they barely show videos anymore. Seriously, the days of TRL are long passed. The only time to avoid Rob Dyrdek yelling over viral videos, teen moms making mistake after mistake, or Tyler Posey running around a treed soundstage in facial fur, is 3am-6am when the videos play.
Watching the (pointless) preshow and red carpet coverage made me, again, feel entirely too old to be tuning in, but, the rumors of an NSYNC reunion were enough to secure my butt in this seat a good hour before start time, 9pm.

I will review and recap the festivities in timestamp fashion, as I am too lazy to actually make this post any kind of polished literary offering.

8:55pm – Shailene Woodley is here, and I could care less about the movie trailer she’s promoting. Love. Her.

9:05pm – Ok, Gaga. I appreciate the incorporation of wigs that recall your hits like “Just Dance” and “Telephone,” but “Applause” more confirms your endless quest for attention than affirms your love of your Little Monsters.

9:08pm – First award is “Best Pop Video” and it goes to Miss Selena Gomez for the not-so-Disney-friendly jam “Come and Get It.” She gives a blah speech, with blah hair and an outfit that is only half-appropriate.

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

9:20pm – Miley Cyrus is complete trash.  Hannah Montana is officially dead.  I can’t believe her mother was smiling pridefully when they cut to her in the audience… It makes me sad how nasty their whole family is.   I can’t even give her respect as an artist, as a creative, because it’s all so gross. It just makes no sense.   Someone who has that much money, and therefore the creative freedom to do what she pleases, should not be trying THAT hard to break away from the images people used to have of her, because now we do in fact think she is a ‘ratchet white girl.
Aditionally, Robin Thicke has just cheapened himself by singing with her. Someone who has really made a splash recently, would absolutely been able to swing NOT performing with her. He should have ducked outta this one!

9:24pm – Lil Kim, is that you? If so, Letoya Jackson called and would like her face back. Ouch.
The formerly well-respected MC may be the “Queen Bee” of the B-K, but she is lookin’ a mess! A shell of her former self– looks, rep and style wise.

9:26pm – Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis win the second award of the night, Best Hip Hop Video, for “Can’t Hold Us.”

9:38pm – Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. “Blood on the Leaves” is entirely too heavy for the VMAs. People don’t so much respect you, as fear you. You make us uncomfortable.  (Before he started, my brother said “Oh, That’s what he looks like?” Then went on to acknowledge he had never seen him without sunglasses, nor without the contortion of rabbid, paparazzi-aimed rage.)

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

9:49pm – Taylor Swift wins the third award of the ceremonies, Best Female Video, for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Daft Punk, Pharrell and Nile Rodgers presented (pictured at right).
Breaking from her usual, seemingly feigned, “I can’t believe they like me” gushes of gratitude- Swift stated “I want to thank the fans because I tweeted about this a lot, I really wanted this.” Adding, “I also want to thank the person who inspired this song because he knows exactly who he is, because now I’ve got one of these.”
Harry Styles of One Direction, her most recent ex, looked on unamused. Speculation has circulated that the diddy was about him, written more than a year ago following their initial encounter. Other claims are that the power-pop tune takes aim at one-time Swift beau, actor Jake Gyllenhaal. (I, however, refuse to believe he was at all toxic or drama-causing; confident that she ruined that union.)

9:51pm – Mackelmore takes the stage again to claim his trophy for “Same Love,” which won the 4th category: Best Video With a Social Message. He gave a heartfelt speech, driving home that this song not only has purpose but sincere meaning for him as a person. I’m glad Mackelmore won, but I have to acknowledge the ridiculous, made-up for this occasion category… Really, MTV? You’re only televising 8 awards and this one is total BS.

9:59pm – JIMMY FALLON!!! The greatest host in the history of this program has returned to the stage, now to introduce what proves to be a lingering vanity piece for Justin Timberlake.
JT starts in with “Take Back the Night,” before actually arriving at the stage, and going into an extensive medley of his hits: “Sexy Back,” “Like I Love You,” “My Love,” “Cry Me a River,” “Rock Your Body” among them. Going backwards through his catalog is KILLING MY NERVES as I wait pretty impatiently for the four men with whom he made his name to appear…

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

10:10pm – THEY’REEEE HEEEEERE! About 90 seconds of thrill (Thinking ‘This is epic!’) and a brief snippet of 2 songs, “Girlfriend” and “Bye Bye Bye”, broke way to feelings of ‘WTF, all that hype and it’s just a segue’ to “Suit & Tie.”

10:12pm – Jimmy is back and he is presenting BFF Justin with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. Whatever the fuck that means.
JT says “I don’t deserve this award, but I’m not gonna give it back,” then goes on to acknowledge that his past successes, including 4 ‘Moonmen’ statues from the VMAs, are due in part to the men of NSYNC. “We can keep it at my house, but I share this with those four guys.”

10:25pm – I almost don’t feel like finishing this. Now that I have been significantly disappointed, watching a DVD of ‘Veronica Mars’ sounds like a better option than watching Katy Perry hop around to “Roar” (which at this point we all know bears striking similarity to Sara Barellis’ “Brave.”)

10:27pm – Kevin Hart is only funny half the time, so his second appearance as flashy little filler is weak. Nobody booed but I didn’t hear a ton of laughter either. This is one of several instances tonight I have though “What’s the point of this?” aloud.

10:29pm – Fifth award, Song of the Summer, goes to One Direction for the antagonistically catchy “Best Song Ever.” I would like to formally protest; “The Way,” by Ariana Grande and Mac Miller, should have not only been an option but the winner.

10:32pm – Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis perform “Same Love,” following an intro from Jason Collins, recently out NBA player (which is significant), and A$AP Rocky (which is a shameless plug). Much as MTV has diverged from their MUSIC Television roots, they do keep on trend and on topic- politically not just pop-culturally.

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

10:43pm – Best New Artist goes to Austin Mahone, whom I’ve never heard of. He looked genuinely excited, and also a bit like he was up passed his bedtime. He is a knock-off Justin Bieber; thanking God, his single Mom, his friends and PR team. His fans are apparently called “Ma-homies,” which made me gag a little. (Why do fans need nicknames now? They’re titles make them sound like the least threatening gangs ever– Mariah Carey calls her fans “Lambs,” Nicky Minaj’s refers to fans as “Barbs” or “Barbies” and The Killers’ followers are known as “The Victims.”)
A quick Wiki search does little to raise my interest– the 17-year-old gained attention through his Youtube covers, before traveling with Disney’s Bridget Mendler and country crossover Taylor Swift.

10:45pm – TLC introduced Drake. Somewhere about a lyric into “Hold On, We’re Going Home” I began to wonder if it were about Rihanna; and then whether it was at all awkward to sing about her whilst in the same room with her and a few thousand other people. Cameras cut to her, and she looked unfazed. Interesting.

10:55pm – Best Male Video, the 7th trophy awarded, went to “Locked Out of Heaven” crooner Bruno Mars.
I don’t think I’m alone in feeling a little like Kanye here when I say it should have been Robin Thicke.
And may I just say, I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down, MTV… having Taylor Swift present best male video? Not-so-subtle but definitely not out-of-line. Touche.

11:15pm – The ever-sexy Joseph Gordon-Levitt took to the stage to hand out the night’s final, and allegedly most prestigious or most anticipated, Video of the Year. Man of the night, Sir Justin Timberlake took the cake, for his single “Mirrors” off of the album “20/20 Experience.” He adorably huged his mom and manager before going up to thank and dedicate the concept of the song/video to his grandparents. I kept wondering though, as they cut between stage and seats: Where’s your wife, dude?

Photo Credit: MTV/Getty Images

11:18pm – Is “Roar” really Katy Perry’s biggest hit, as we have been told all night? Because I am fairly confident in assuming that “Teenage Dream” was the peak of her career. The performance is under the Brooklyn Bridge… Which only made me concerned about the unbelievable traffic for that whole borough last night! Yes, honestly, during all the pop festivities MTV had to offer, I was preoccupied about the traffic.  Why? Probably because KP was lookin’ a mess! The hair is natural, and on trend with the braids, but the outfit. Whoa.
Tiger sports bra; flame-edged, shiny boxing shorts; white, knee-high tube socks and gold hightops? WHO Let her out like this? It was a mostly spoken word performance, with a few runs thrown in. I give her credit, because it did appear as though she sang live, and who can fault her for not staying on melody when she’s got some pretty sprawling choreography to keep up with.

In the words of ‘American Idol’ judge Randy Jackson, “It was just OK for me, dawg.”

11:22pm – It’s over. Oh wait, it’s starting all over again. Time to pop in that ‘Veronica Mars’ DVD I mentioned.

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