“You Suck” and Other Passive-Aggressive Jams

15 12 2014

As much as look forward to new releases and awards season, moments of triumph and honor for my favorite stars… I am completely guilty of enjoying their personal and professional lows just as well. I consume pop culture and celebrity news each waking hour of my day; absorbing the good, the bad, and the ugly indiscriminately.
Sorry not sorry but the silly, weak, thinly veiled instances where they lash out at each other are just as satisfying as when a cast lauds each other and their project, because it reminds me that they’re still just people! The following list of songs are some of the more passive-aggressive tunes in recent memory; they basically exist because the celebs in question have issues to address & feelings to express, but they pretend their privacy is so valuable that they can’t just come out with it about a given feud.

Inspired by Abigail Breslin’s recently released song “You Suck” which is a not so stealth attack on former flame, Michael Clifford, of 5SOS ‘fame,’  here’s a little list of my favorite passive-aggressive musical moments! An angry tweet can entertain us for days, but an ambiguously targeted lyric can spark fodder for a career (Carly, Alanis — I’m looking at you!).

 

10 – 7. Gwen Stefani, “Hollaback Girl” – Trent Reznor/NIN, “Starfuckers, Inc” – Stone Temple Pilots, “Too Cool Queenie” – Foo Fighters, “I’ll Stick Around
Target: 
Issue: General bitchery and fame grubbing
Most scathing lyric: [STP] “There was this boy / He played in a rock-n-roll band / And he wasn’t half-bad, At saving the world / She said he could do no right / So he took his life / His story is true…  It’s ok cause what goes around, comes around / It’s all right cause what goes around, comes around”

 

6. Rihanna, “Cold Case Love
Target: 
Issue: On-going Physical & Emotional Abuse
Most scathing lyric: “But your love ain’t the kind you can keep / Release me now cause I did my time / Of this cold case love / My heart’s no longer cold & confined / I’ve had enough”

 

5. Jonas Brothers, “Much Better
Target: 
Issue: Less than amicable break-up
Most scathing lyric: Get a rep for breakin’ hearts / Now I’m done with superstars / And all the tears on her guitar / I’m not bitter / Now I see everything I’d ever need / Is the girl in front of me / She’s much better”

 

4. Katy Perry, “Circle the Drain
Target: 
Issue: Addiction
Most scathing lyric: “Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother / Can’t be your savior, I don’t have the power / I’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain”

 

3. Justin Timberlake, “Cry Me A River
Target: 
Issue: Infidelity
Most scathing lyric: “You don’t have to say, what you did / I already know, I found out from him / Now there’s just no chance, for you and me, there’ll never be / And don’t it make you sad about it”

 

2. Selena Gomez, “The Heart Wants What It Wants
Target:
Issue: General Douchebaggery & Insensitivity
Most scathing lyric: 
“You got me scattered in pieces, Shining like stars and screaming / Lighting me up like Venus, But then you disappear and make me wait / And every second’s like torture, Hell over trip, no more so / Finding a way to let go, Baby baby no I can’t escape”

 

1. Taylor Swift, “Dear John
Target: 
Issue: 
General Douchebaggery & Game Playing
Most scathing lyric: “You are an expert at ‘Sorry,’ And keeping lines blurry / Never impressed by me acing your tests / All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifeless eyes, Cause you’ve burned them out / But I took your matches, Before fire could catch me, So don’t look now / I’m shining like fireworks, Over your sad empty town”

 

 

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Here’s Hoping the Apple Falls Really Far from These Trees.

31 03 2011

Leave Britney Kevin Federline Alone!

Federline, 33, with Prince, 28 (Photo credit: Seth Browarnik/Startraks)

Word has it that Kevin Federline, aka K-Fed, aka Fed-Ex, is expecting his fifth child.

Federline has a daughter and son (born in 2002 and 2004) with former longtime girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson; and two sons (born 2005 and 2006) with pop singer Britney Spears.

Current girlfriend Victoria Prince, a former pro Volleyball player, has been dating Federline for about two years.  The baby is said to be due this summer.

As soon as this little tidbit leaked, the bloggers went berzerk.  Yet another woman let this sloppy bastard… well, I’ll let you fill in the end of that thought.

Kidding aside, I think that this man has really made the best of what life has handed him and dealt with the reprocussions of his choices admirably.  If you’ll recall, following ex-wife Spears’ very public freak out and subsequent conservatorship in ’07, Federline was awarded custody of their two young children, Sean Preston and Jayden James.  So a judge was sure enough that these kids were in good hands, we should give the guy some credit!

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HERE ARE FOUR PEOPLE WHO ARE DEFINITELY WORSE PARENTS THAN K~FED!
The stork must have been higher than Snoop Dogg to deliver bouncing bundles to these people…

 

1. Charlie Sheen
The personal life of the highest paid man in television has begun to eclipse his resume spanning two decades.  The fact that three women have married him, knowing full well of his drug and prostitute-filled tendencies, blows my mind

The father of five — High school love Paula Profit gave birth to a daughter, Cassandra, now 26; ex-wife Denise Richards had two girls, Sam and Lola, in 2004 and 2005; and estranged wife Brooke Mueller has twin boys Max and Bob, born in 2008 — has been arrested half a dozen times.

He can barely take care of himself, with or without the help of his ‘goddesses.’
I wouldn’t let this man watch a pet, nevermind a human child! Which coincidentally is something he and ex-wife Richards are currently fighting over.

2. Michael Lohan
Well, just look at his trainwreck of a daughter, former actress Lindsay Lohan, and see how put together this man is!

His many life accomplishments include an arrest and 3-year prison stint for insider trading,  an illegitimate child concieved while estranged from wife Dina in the mid-90s, another year   served for probation violation, followed by two and a half years in a correctional facility   following his assault on brother-in-law Matt Sullivan and conviction for DUI.

Lohan’s divorce from wife Dina was finalized in 2007– which is about the time that his oldest   daughter, Lindsay, began her inelegant descent from up-and-coming Disney darling to a   tabloid-fixture and drug-addict who hasn’t participated in a respectable film since 2005’s   “Herbie Fully Loaded.”  

Mr. Lohan is set to appear on Dr. Drew Pinsky’s Celebrity Rehab, in it’s fifth season, to resolve  anger issues and an extended dependency on alcohol.   Just days after he finished therapy at  the Pasadena Recovery Center, Lohan was accused of battering ex-fiance and disgraced journalist Kate Major.

 

3. Courtney Love

She may or may not have killed her husband Kurt Cobain in the early 90s, but her drug use and deviancy document back to her teens.

The Hole front-woman has had many social ups and downs — between fights with her bandmates, a myriad of lawsuits, confangled rants on her blog and Twitter, and attempt at acting — but the general perception of her is that she is a sloppy mess. You wouldn’t want her for a friend, but you definitely don’t want her for an enemy.

Child services have been a fixture in their lives since daughter Frances Bean, born to in 1992, was only weeks old. It is alleged that Courtney Love used heroin during the pregnancy, a suspicion only reinforced by statements Love herself made to Vanity Fair magazine.  Family members on both sides made efforts to secure guardianship of the minor, but not until 2009 did a permanent arrangement come to fruition.  A no-contact/restraining order was grated to Frances against her mother in December 2009, at which time Cobain’s mother, Wendy O’Connor, was appointed her temporary guardian by a Los Angeles County judge.

4. Alec Baldwin
He’s an award-winning actor, but I just don’t get it.  Sometimes Baldwin, just one of the four famous brothers, gives a likeable, nice-guy performance, but he plays a jackass way better! (Because, let’s just assume, he is one!)

No matter how many good things the cast of 30 Rock has to say about the funny-man, his 2008 voicemail rant against his 11-year-old daughter Ireland was no laughing matter.  That situation, in which he called the girl a “rude, thoughtless little pig,” had all the makings of a Lohan-level family disaster.

Baldwin has apologized and offered a bunch of explanations, but the bottom line is he lashed out at his child because of his paranoia and dissatisfaction with how his divorce from Kim Basinger played out.
Honestly, he should me more than happy to jump through the so-called hoops he talks about in order to maintain a relationship with Ireland. How dare any adult man complain about having to travel and spend a little money in order to see his kid?
What’s more, we very quickly forgave and forgot about this incident,  but I doubt Ireland has or will.

 

5. Joe Jackson

The original stage-father has been called the ultimate disciplinarian, a real bastard. Blinded by fame and sick with the power that came with managing The Jackson 5, he seems to have lost touch with his humble roots in Arkansas, personal failure as a boxer and blue-collar career in the steel insustry.

The most famous of his musical offspring, Michael, spoke candidly of his tumultuous childhood in the early 90s– telling Oprah Winfrey that Joe would overwork and beat the kids, to the point where little Michael would vomit in fear at the sight of him father.

All nine of the Jackson children have had their share of highly publicized personal issues— with the law, with romantic partners, and with their father.  Matriarch Katherine (Scruse) Jackson had the opportunity to save herself and her children from the manipulative would-be entrepreneur, but she declined to pursue a divorce despite Joe’s infidelity (that resulted in his eleventh child, Joh’Vonnie Jackson) in the early 70s.





I Miss When Fergie Used to Sing.

3 03 2011

Before she pierced her eyebrow, bathed in self  tanner, met Will.I.Am, or married the guy from “Las Vegas”   …Fergie sang.

Born in a Los Angeles suburb in 1975, Stacy Ann Ferguson was drawn to the lights of fame by the time she was 10.

Ferguson lent her voice to the television Penauts specials, “It’s Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown” and “Snoopy’s Getting Married, Charlie Brown;” as well as several episodes of The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show.

Beginning in the mid-1980s, Ferguson appeared on Disney’s Kids Incorporated- where she met future bandmate Renee Sandstrom.  

In 1991, Ferguson and Sandstrom formed the girl group Wild Orchid with fellow childstar and California girl Stefanie Ridel.

The band split by 2001, after recording four albums, touring with Cher and Cyndi Lauper, and hosting a popular Saturday morning competition show “Great Pretenders” on Fox Family.



Ferguson has admitted to having developed a severe crystal meth habit while in Wild Orchid, an addiction that she had to overcome after the group broke up. She told TIME magazine in 2006, “It was the hardest boyfriend I ever had to break up with.”

Also in 2001 Fergie was introduced to the Black Eyed Peas, a trio of male performers, Will.I.Am, APL.D.AP, and Taboo. Fergie was included on several tracks from the BEP’s third album, “Elephunk,” which was released in 2003.

Sometimes Fergie whips out a pretty sweet high note, or a great soulful run, but for the most part she is underwhelming, or drowned out by the attention-seeking boys club that is the Black Eyed Peas.

———————————–

OK, so where did the disconnect happen?

I watched “Great Pretenders,” faithfully, every Saturday- and I have been continually disappointed with the “singing” parts Fergie gets on BEP tracks. She’s really just talking to a beat- which essentially is rapping, with less style.

When she released her solo album, The Dutchess, in 2006, I had hopes that she would be done with bouncing around with Will and the boys… although Will.I.Am did serve as producer and appeared on three tracks.

Her single “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry” is the only time in the last decade I have been impressed, reminded that her former high-note belting, riff-riding, smooth as honey voice is still there— BEP has just not properly showcased it.  Her shit is catchy, don’t get me wrong, but she has done more pseudo-rapping and sing-talking than actual singing since leaving Wild Orchid.

I wish she would lay low for a while, maybe have a kid with Josh Duhamel, and then come back with some seriously original music– she could be like Britney Spears, Sarah McLachlan, Gwen Stefani or Nelly Furtado; all of whom took a break, for family or just for their sanity, and came back to more success than before.

Girlfriend, please oh please take a moment to reevaluate yourself!

Reinvent if you want, explore your voice and the sounds that attract you, but be aware you will never be a Whitney or a Celine if you keep allowing Will.I.Am to be your puppetmaster.